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thepsychicclam.livejournal.com) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
billijah2004-01-24 01:11 am
thepsychicclam.livejournal.com) wrote in billijah2004-01-24 01:11 am
fic: immanent
Title: Immanent
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
thepsychicclam
Pairing: Billy/Elijah
Rating: R
Summary: Elijah reminds Billy of things he never really knew
Disclaimer: This never happened.
A/N: Many thanks go out out to my beta,impasto.
Billy tried to ignore that his fascination with Elijah was quite pervy and not quite legal. Billy was now thirty, a good strong age if he does say so himself, but when he had shown up to the set, he was swept away by the young, seventeen year-old kid who was slated to play Frodo. What was it about this guy, this kid, that gave everyone the confidence that a young American teen had what it took to carry off the most important part in the production?
Billy walked into the room the first day and saw three other people dispersed among cheap plastic chairs, sitting nervously and fidgeting. Billy’s eyes focused on the small guy with floppy brown hair. He dominated the room. He oozed energy and life, and Billy’s body was immediately aware of him.
“Hi!” Elijah said, jumping out of the chair and striding across the room. He took Billy’s hand in his own, and it was so soft, so small - even in Billy’s own small hands.
“Hello.” Billy forgot there was anyone else in the room, momentarily ignoring the fact that Frodo and Pippin were not the only hobbits going on the journey.
“I’m Elijah Wood. You must be Billy Boyd. I’m so psyched to meet you!” And Elijah dropped his hand – the cold air hit it like ice after the warmth of Elijah’s palm – and threw his arms around Billy’s neck. Billy, too shocked to do anything, stood with his hands by his sides before timidly placing one hand around Elijah’s waist.
As quickly as he was there, Elijah was gone. Elijah plopped back into his chair, chewing on his index finger, and Billy still stood in the middle of the room – a room filled by nothing but Elijah.
Later that night, all four hobbits sat around an old, knotted, stained wooden table in Dom’s apartment. Boxes littered the floor, and the table and uncomfortable, hard chairs were the only furniture in the apartment save the mattress in the bedroom.
“Beer on me tonight, mates,” Dom said, handing bottles to everyone.
“Should Elijah really be drinking? He’s only seventeen,” Sean said, pulling the top of his beer with the bottle opener Dom handed him.
“Ah, he’ll be fine,” Dom said, patting Elijah on the back. “This is a movie set. No drinking ages here.”
“What kind of beer is this?” Elijah asked. “I’ve never heard of it.”
“Ah, that’s because you’re American mate,” Dom said. “This is German beer. Much better than the piss you all drink over there.”
Elijah nodded and attempted to pull the bottle top off, but couldn’t get the bottle opener positioned quite properly.
“Having trouble?” Billy asked, deciding it was time he found his voice. He extended his hand and Elijah gratefully handed him the bottle. Billy expertly popped the top off in no time and gave the cold beer back to Elijah.
“Thanks, man.”
“I’m guessing you haven’t drank much in the past.” Billy took a long sip of his own beer as Elijah did, watching those pretty pink lips wrap around the mouth of the bottle. He took another drink to get his mind away from the images it was provoking.
“Not really. I never had time for parties and things like that, and my mom was always with me at movie sets.”
“Well, that will certainly change!” Dom said. “We’re British. You’re going to learn how to drink with us.”
“Oh lord,” Sean said, nursing his beer quietly.
“He’ll be fine, Sean. Not to worry. Plus, you’ll be around to watch over him just in case anything bad happens.”
Billy watched Elijah out of the corner of his eye, knowing he’d also never let Elijah out of his sight.
*
A few days later, Orlando convinced them all to come over to his apartment – fully furnished and unpacked – to have a couple drinks. Billy was starting to think all he’d ever do while he was in New Zealand was drink.
Orlando and Viggo had already had quite a few beers by the time the hobbits arrived, and were a little more enthusiastic than usual.
“Let’s play a drinking game!” Orlando shouted. “What a better way to bond and get to know each other than to get pissed over cards?”
Much to Sean’s chagrin, they all crowded around Orlando’s small coffee table in the living room. Billy made it a point to sit beside Elijah who shared the couch with Dom. Elijah’s thigh pressed softly against Billy’s, and he refused to admit how warm Elijah felt.
Viggo suggested Circle of Death, and soon everyone was quite tipsy and having a great time, even Sean who was pretending to be sober, but failing miserably since he was laughing hysterically at a joke Orlando was telling.
Billy stayed quiet and listened. He was fascinated by the people surrounding him. He took in everything they said, memorized every story they told. He wanted to start collecting pieces of them at that moment, making sure he had them with him all the time. He already loved them all.
Elijah surprised him more than anything. He had a kind of maturity that rivaled Ian McKellan’s, but on the flip side he could be as immature as a thirteen year old. In one short hour, he’d discussed stock market strategies and seventeenth century philosophy with Viggo and Sean – both of which went completely over Billy’s head – but also made crude jokes and gestures with Dom and Orlando. He giggled constantly, even while he was telling Viggo which stock he should buy and sell, and never sat still. But he listened, looked inside you with his eyes and really took to heart everything you said.
Elijah turned to Billy and sat back against the couch, game temporarily forgotten.
“Are you going to miss your family?”
“When?” Billy replied, joining Elijah at the back of the couch.
“Now. While you’re here.”
“Well, Maggie has been living in a different city than me for awhile, so it won’t be too bad. But I’ll miss her at the holidays, I’m sure.”
“What about your parents?”
Billy turned away from Elijah and started picking at the label on his beer. He remained silent for a while, and Elijah never turned away. He patiently waited for Billy to answer with his head against the soft cushion and eyes on Billy’s fingers.
“Um, they died. When I was fourteen.” Billy didn’t look up from his jagged label. Elijah placed his hand over Billy’s, and Billy glanced up into Elijah’s face. Elijah didn’t ask for anything else, just smiled at him, squeezed his hand before dropping it to Billy’s knee. He sat back up and rejoined the game, while Billy sat back, staring at the back of Elijah’s head. Billy instantly wanted to learn the whys to Elijah Wood. Along with everything else about him.
And Elijah’s hand never left Billy’s knee.
*
Elijah was all youth and energy. Billy loved the way it shined from his face every time he smiled. And underneath it all, Elijah was innocence and undiscovered curves, even though Billy knew Elijah had lost his innocence a long time before.
Billy and Sean didn’t care for clubbing as much as Dom and Elijah, but they tagged along anyway under the guise of supervision. Billy and Sean spent as much time out on the dance floor as Elijah and Dom did.
One hot night, Billy was dancing with a short redhead when he noticed Elijah. Not young, impish Elijah with the giggle, but sexy, mature Elijah with hips made for more than dancing. Elijah was dancing alone among a group of both men and women. He gripped his sweaty neck with one hand as the other dangled at his side. His hips moved in time with the music as his jeans hung loosely, exposing a glimpse of pale skin and hipbone. Elijah’s eyes were shut, his eyelashes spreading across smooth cheeks, pink tongue peeking from between dark lips. Billy forgot the redhead.
He blamed it on the beer, but soon he was pressed behind Elijah, hands gripping thin hips lightly while Elijah rested his head on Billy’s shoulder. Billy could do nothing but stare at Elijah’s long, pale, exposed throat. Beads of sweat rolled down the skin, disappearing somewhere into the collar of the blue shirt he wore. Billy wanted to lick the sweat from Elijah, taste the bitter and salty moisture on his tongue. But instead he buried his nose in Elijah’s hair and danced.
*
There was a boyish quality about Elijah, an awkwardness that he hadn’t shaken or grown out of and a juvenile way of looking at things that Billy yearned to share. With only a few sentences, Elijah could make Billy forget that age even existed.
One stormy afternoon, after filming had been cancelled for the rest of the day, Elijah invited Billy over to play video games. Billy had never played video games as a kid, too busy growing up too fast, and it was nothing he picked up as an adult. But there was no way he going say no to an afternoon alone with Elijah.
“What game?” Billy asked, settling onto the floor in front of the couch.
“Grand Theft Auto. This version just came out.” Elijah popped the game in and handed Billy a controller. “Ever played it?”
“Um, no. Actually I’ve never played on a Playstation.” Billy held the controller in his hand uncertainly. He didn’t know where to put his fingers, so he looked over at Elijah for guidance.
“Oh, wow. I thought every male had played on a Playstation.” Elijah leaned over and showed his controller to Billy. He proceeded to tell Billy the correct placement of his fingers, which buttons did what, and by the end, Billy still had no clue what he was doing, but he could at least hold the controller correctly.
They played for hours, and eventually Billy got the hang of driving pretend cars on a pretend road.
“You’re getting pretty good,” Elijah said, just as Billy rammed his car into a large wall. “Well, you’re getting better.”
“Sod off, cunt,” Billy laughed, trying to control his car. He was in the middle of a rather cool move, if he did say so himself, when Elijah paused the game.
“Piss break.” Elijah jumped up and walked into the bathroom, returning moments later.
“You piss faster than anyone on the planet,” Billy said amazed.
“It’s a gift,” Elijah said. He sat back down and picked up his controller. Billy tried to ignore the fact that Elijah had sat closer to him, so close that Billy’s knee brushed Elijah’s every few moments. Billy found it extremely hard to concentrate on the game with Elijah so close – and was it Billy’s imagination or did Elijah’s hips keep moving closer and closer?
“I’m impressed, Billy.” Elijah set the controller down beside him after a rather vigorous game. “Didn’t think you’d have it in you.”
Billy’s mouth was suddenly dry, and he swallowed in an attempt to make it better. Elijah’s face was so close to his, his eyes wide and innocent, his hand stroking Billy’s thigh not so innocent. Billy was going to die of thirst; he was going to choke on Elijah’s living room floor. Elijah stuck his tongue – his oh so wet tongue – out and licked his lips. Elijah’s mouth was so wet and Billy’s so dry.
It seemed the most logical thing to Billy when he pressed his lips against Elijah’s. He ran his tongue along Elijah’s bottom lip, seeking entry into his moist mouth. He was instead met with cold air.
“What…was that?” Elijah asked, voice shaky. Billy wanted to disappear. Elijah had stroked his thigh, scooted closer – but Elijah was young and he was the mature party here.
“Nothing. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Billy started to move away, but Elijah grabbed his leg, stilling him.
“I wouldn’t mind,” Elijah whispered, grabbing Billy’s hand and slipping his fingers through his.
Billy urgently pressed his lips against Elijah’s again, needing to tastefeeldrink him in. The room was quiet except for the soft pitter-patter of rain on the window and rumbling thunder in the distance. Soon, Elijah was shoving game controllers out of the way and pulling Billy on top of him as he descended back to the floor. Billy’s fingers sneaked under the soft fabric of Elijah’s worn out T-shirt, trembling fingertips brushing warm skin.
“Oh god, Lij,” Billy whispered against Elijah’s mouth. When Billy touched Elijah, he was reminded of things he wasn’t sure he ever truly knew. In a blur of hands and skin, Billy removed his and Elijah’s clothes and they were lying hip to hip, chest to chest, skin to skin. Elijah bucked against him, his sweet mouth twisting into an oval of pleasure just for Billy. Not on camera for the rest of the world, not over a pint with the rest of the guys, not on the street for a passing fan. This was Elijah just for Billy.
Elijah’s body was so eager and responsive, and he wanted to try everything all at once. Billy was afraid he couldn’t keep up, but as he touched, caressed, and kissed Elijah, he forgot that it had been too long since he’d had an age that ended in teen. They fell into an awkward rhythm, and soon Billy had to feel Elijah, be part of him. He thrust in quickly – too quickly – and Elijah cried out in pain. Billy started to pull out but Elijah, grabbed him, stopping him.
“Please don’t stop,” Elijah whispered, eyes moist and hooded. Billy kissed his puffy mouth and slid the rest of the way in slower, more gently, though it took everything he had. He finally felt himself buried deep inside Elijah and Elijah made a myriad of sounds beneath him. Billy moved against Elijah, who gripped him so tightly that Billy thought he was going to pull him right down into himself, merge together into one entity of passion and pleasure.
When Elijah came with a shout of “Billy” on his lips, Billy knew he had found the most beautiful sound in the entire world. Nothing could compare. Feeling Elijah’s sticky come between them, Billy rocked a few more times before coming inside Elijah. He didn’t pull out – never wanted to move from where they were at that moment – and wrapped his arms tightly around Elijah, face buried in his sweaty neck. This time Billy did stick his tongue out and lick the moisture from Elijah’s skin. Elijah hummed contentedly underneath him, hand roaming up and down Billy’s damp back. Neither moved for a long time.
After this, Billy had to be with Elijah, regardless of their ages or backgrounds. What did they really have in common? Elijah was a child star from America, Billy an orphan from Scotland. But none of that mattered. Night after night, Elijah crawled into Billy’s arms, whether it be in Billy’s pristine apartment or Elijah’s messy one. They’d lay in bed, sweaty and breathless, the New Zealand air whipping in through the open windows, and talk. Elijah would lie his head on Billy’s bare chest, running his hands along the smooth skin, rambling on about filming some movie or about a family reunion he attended when he was twelve where he got beat up by his cousins. Billy held Elijah close in his arms, hands losing themselves in his damp hair, and he would tell Elijah about working in a bookshop, having Christmas alone with his sister with nothing but a twig for a tree, but never spoke of his parents. And Elijah never asked.
And night after night they’d fall into dreams wrapped around one another like they would never touch one another again. Billy woke up first, watching Elijah sleeping soundly, holding onto Billy, before placing soft kisses all over his fresh skin. Billy never wanted to wake up another way ever again.
*
They didn’t tell anyone they were together at first. Dom and Sean had their suspicions, but Billy didn’t wasn’t ready to mar their happiness with the unpleasant things people would say and Elijah was still young and not ready for spectacle. Billy didn’t care – as long as he had Elijah, he didn’t care if he was ducking for kisses behind make up trailers or shouting it from the Eiffel Tower. Elijah seemed content to keep it a secret. He found the whole idea of secrecy to be exciting and somehow convinced Billy of the same.
Elijah loved going to clubs. Billy would rather sit around a table at a pub with a pint, but Elijah liked the dancing, the bodies, the tempo. Billy was more than happy to let Elijah go by himself, but Elijah wouldn’t have it. Even though they were careful not to dance together, Elijah told Billy he just wanted him to be sitting there when he returned to the table.
“Billy, you need to get up and dance if you ever expect to find someone to take home,” Dom said to him one night. Billy smiled and lifted his drink to his lips. “All right then. Mind sitting here alone?”
“No. Go dance, Dom. I’m fine!” Billy laughed and shooed Dom away from the table. Billy was quite glad Dom was off dancing because that gave him a chance to enjoy watching Elijah.
Elijah danced with everyone. First a small, blonde girl, then a tall, broad shouldered guy, then got shoved in the middle of a group of girls. Elijah was beautiful. His movements were awkward and not as graceful as Dom’s, but Elijah danced with abandon. He didn’t care what anyone thought; he just let his body do what he thought it should with the music.
Billy watched as Elijah kissed a girl who slipped a piece of paper in his pocket. Billy felt some kind of triumph in watching boys and girls alike hand Elijah their phone numbers and get a decent snog, complete with Elijah’s empty promises to call in the morning. It didn’t bother Billy. He knew how Elijah felt about him. Elijah went home with him every night and that was what was important.
“Having fun?” Elijah said breathlessly as he dropped into the chair beside Billy. He casually placed his hand on Billy’s knee and stroked his thumb across it.
“I am. You look like you’re having fun out there.” Billy handed Elijah his near empty glass, and Elijah downed it in one gulp.
“The music’s great tonight! And the people are really cool.” Elijah leaned close to Billy’s ear and brushed his lips against it. “I wish you were out there with me.”
“Later, my love,” Billy said, placing his hand on Elijah’s and squeezing. They spotted Dom moving towards them through the crowd and pulled apart.
“Knackered?” Dom asked, placing a hand on Elijah’s shoulder.
“Hell no. Come on!” Elijah jumped out of his chair and led Dom out onto the dance floor. Dom pulled Elijah close and held onto him tightly. Billy waited until Dom’s gaze traveled over to their table and when it did, he held it evenly over his glass. There was no threat in Billy’s eyes, just a simple warning – and Dom understood. He still held fast to Elijah, but it was just dancing with a friend.
Later that night while Elijah chatted up the bartender, Dom leaned close to Billy.
“What’s going on between you and Elijah?”
Billy stared at his hands, not quite sure what to tell Dom.
“You can tell me, you know. I don’t care if you’re seeing each other.”
Billy looked up at Dom, relief washing over him. “Thanks. We’re together, yeah. But we just don’t want anyone to know. Not yet at least. If anyone found – “
“I know, Billy,” Dom interrupted. “I won’t tell anyone. I think it’s great. I’m really happy for you.”
Billy knew at that moment that Dom was one of the best friends he’d ever had.
*
Sean finally picked up on their secret a couple of months before Elijah’s eighteenth birthday. Billy sat in his trailer, attempting to learn his lines for the day, when he heard a knock. He opened the door and was surprised to see Sean standing on the other side.
“Hey. Come on in.” Billy closed the door after Sean and followed him over to the couch littered with papers and clothes.
“You’re seeing Elijah, aren’t you?” Sean blurted out. Billy was quite taken aback. He opened his mouth a couple times, but nothing came out.
“Why?” he finally managed to say.
“I saw him coming out of your apartment the other morning. Which explains why Elijah’s never there when I call him at night.”
“Um. Yes. We’ve been seeing each other.”
“He’s seventeen, Billy! You’re thirty! He’s still a kid. It’s so wrong! Dirty even!” Sean said, his tone gentler than his words. “You both can get into so much trouble. And you work together. This is a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Why Elijah? There are so many other people on the set!”
“I’ve asked myself that same question a hundred times, Sean.” Billy slumped back into the cushions. “I’ve never been drawn to anyone like I am to him in my life. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. Please understand, Sean, I don’t want to hurt him. I’d rather die than hurt him.”
“But it’s so easy for him to get hurt in this situation!” Sean argued. “It’s just ugly. You’re a grown man. He’s just too young. You shouldn’t be together, and if you have to, just wait.”
“I can’t wait. I…He means too much to me. I can’t let him go now.”
Sean sighed. “Dammit, Billy. I just don’t want you two to end up miserable or worse.” Sean stood up and walked to the door. “Think about what I said, okay? And just be careful.”
Sean closed the door softly behind him, but the noise echoed in Billy’s brain. Maybe Sean was right. There was such a huge age difference and they were coworkers on something that would span the next couple years of their lives. He admitted to himself reluctantly that he hadn’t thought very much beyond Elijah, because his brain wouldn’t allow him to go any further.
When Elijah came over that night, Billy sat him down on the couch across from him.
“Am I in trouble?” Elijah asked, wide eyed and anxious. Billy felt all his resolve melting away, but he tried to steel himself.
“No, love. I think that maybe we moved into all this too quickly and didn’t think about the consequences. How it would affect the movie, our lives. Maybe we should slow things down a bit, stop seeing each other for awhile.” Billy didn’t realize that he had been staring at his feet the entire time until Elijah knelt before him and lifted his chin.
“Sean talked to you, didn’t he?” Elijah asked, amusement dancing in his eyes.
“Um, no.”
“You’re a terrible liar, Billy Boyd. He talked to me, too. He’s worried about us, but he doesn’t know what’s best for us. I do. It’s you, and I refuse to let you slow things down. If things happen that affect the movie or our lives, we’ll deal with it then – together. Okay?”
Billy could only nod. He should be the one dealing out wisdom and advice, not sitting in the chair, trembling like a child. Elijah was right. It was their lives, and Billy couldn’t imagine being apart from him, regardless of how much he tried to convince himself it was the best way to go.
That night, they made love on the couch. The words “dirty” and “ugly” haunted Billy as he kissed Elijah, hands roaming over his naked body. They flashed under his eyelids like neon signs. He pulled away, leaving Elijah confused and vulnerable beneath him, and studied him for awhile. Elijah let him be, just laid back and watched Billy closely. Billy’s eyes roamed over Elijah’s body as his hands explored. He touched Elijah’s pale skin over and over, watching as his fingers left fleeting marks. He contrasted his own skin against Elijah’s, pressing his arm to Elijah’s chest and staring at his aging hands against the ageless, perfect skin beneath them. Elijah walked his fingers slowly up Billy’s arm, and Billy leaned down to kiss those nail bitten fingers one by one.
They stayed up so late that going to sleep just to wake up in an hour for feet was pointless. So they made coffee and had sex again on the kitchen floor. Afterwards, Elijah curled up against Billy and eyes closed for a powernap. Billy watched him and thought again about all the warnings he’d been given. He thought about leaving Elijah, cutting it all off and continuing to love him in secret, where they both were safe. But then he heard a hitch in Elijah’s breathing, watched him adjust in his sleep, and he knew that there was no way he could ever let him go. And would Elijah understand if he up and left? He was completely alone, just like Billy, but unlike Billy, Elijah was still a kid. He didn’t understand that sometimes love and life didn’t turn out fairly and that just loving someone wasn’t always enough. But Billy didn’t want Elijah to learn that lesson from him. He had his whole life to learn that from everyone else, and Billy would be damned if Elijah was going to learn it from him.
Billy then realized, there on the kitchen floor, that the two of them together weren’t dirty and ugly, but beautiful as they learned and experienced together, and slowly falling very much in love.
*
Most nights (when they weren’t out clubbing) the four of them, joined occasionally by Orlando, Viggo, Bean, Miranda, Liv, or whoever else was around, would sit around and watch movies and play video games. They’d stay in someone’s flat until none of them could keep their eyes open any longer.
“Come on, Billy,” Elijah said, tugging at Billy’s arm after a rather rigorous day. Billy remained slumped in the chair.
“Lij, I’m tired. I just want to go to bed.”
“No. We’re just going over to Dom’s to watch a movie. You can sleep during it.”
“Is that a promise?” Billy asked, getting out of the chair and reluctantly following Elijah out of the apartment. They walked to Dom’s apartment and opened the door without knocking. Sean and Dom were already sitting on the couch.
“What’s up?” Sean asked.
“We got some indie New Zealand action film. We figured you’d like it, Elijah, and it looked interesting,” Dom said as he popped the video into the VCR.
Billy sat in the corner armchair, and Elijah squeezed beside him as usual. Elijah moved around, poking Billy in the sides with his elbows and knees, until he got comfortable. He curled up against Billy’s side, head lying on Billy’s chest. Billy wrapped an arm around Elijah’s waist and Elijah immediately threaded his fingers through Billy’s.
Twenty minutes into the movie, Billy nodded off. His head rolled to the side and his mouth hung open slightly as he snored softly. He woke suddenly when he heard Dom and Elijah shouting at the television.
“A little loud there,” Billy whispered into Elijah’s hair. Elijah looked up at him and grinned.
“Sorry. But that guy is an idiot.”
“And it helped to scream at the telly, didn’t it?”
“Shut up.”
“Hey, Sean. What are the old married couple whispering about over there?” Dom teased as he elbowed Sean in the side.
“We are not an old married couple!” Elijah yelled. He picked up a pillow off the floor and threw it across the room at Dom.
“Don’t deny it, Lij. Look at you two. Always curled up in the same chair while Billy falls asleep. So sad.” Dom blew a kiss towards them in answer of Elijah’s extended middle finger.
Billy paid no attention to Dom’s teasing. Dom teased them all the time, but Billy knew he was thrilled they were together. Billy thought it was amusing, and it helped remind him that his friends were happy with their decision. Billy was asleep again within minutes and groaned when Elijah shook him awake.
“Come on, Billy. Time to go home.” Billy let Elijah pull him out of the chair, and he yawned and stretched before Elijah grabbed his hand. Billy waved sleepily to Dom and Sean while Elijah led him out of the apartment and back his own. Elijah kicked CDs and clothes out of the way as he and Billy walked through the door. Elijah’s apartment was the usual disarray of clothes, soda cans, take-out boxes, and CDs. He spent very little time there, and what time Elijah was there was in bed or curled up on the couch. Billy often wanted to come over and clean his apartment for him, but Elijah didn’t seem to mind, so Billy just tripped over the mess whenever he was there.
The bed was unmade and cold, but Billy immediately fell into it and started to fall back asleep. He felt small hands rubbing up and down his thighs and opened his eyes a little. Elijah was staring down at him, eyes heavy and lips parted. Billy really wanted to go to sleep, but his body was starting to wake up and respond eagerly. He pulled Elijah down to him and captured him into a kiss. Almost in a dream, he and Elijah shed their clothes and rocked back and forth slowly. Elijah’s skin was warm and soft, and Billy closed his eyes just to feel it. Elijah slid in him easily and they sleepily pressed their lips together. Billy knew it wasn’t mind-blowing sex, the kind that you fantasize about your entire life. It was comfortable sex, just on the brink of sleep where it’s more about being close and together than the ends. They fell asleep like this, Elijah lying on top of Billy, still inside until he rolled over to Billy’s side.
These nights were Billy’s favorite.
*
Elijah placed a piece of tape on the box he just finished packing. Most of the boxes had already been shipped off, and the last ones were full of stuff Elijah couldn’t live without before he left. Billy looked around the apartment; he’d never seen it so clean. For the sixteen months they had lived there, Elijah had never cleaned it, but now the floor was pristine, as were the walls and furniture. It left a knot in Billy’s stomach.
“Last box. Everything else goes into a carry-on bag for the plane,” Elijah said, pushing the box away. He remained in the floor, pulling tape off the roll and sticking it onto the floor. Billy got out of his chair and sat down beside him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Elijah smiled at Billy, but Billy could see the moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes. He pulled Elijah into his arms.
“It’s okay.” Billy placed kisses on top of Elijah’s hair as Elijah buried his face in Billy’s shirt, arms wrapped around him tightly.
“I don’t want to go back to LA,” Elijah whispered.
“Don’t you want to see your Mom, Hannah, and Zach? Don’t you want to go home?”
Elijah pulled back and looked at Billy. “It’s not my home, Billy. This is my home. New Zealand, this apartment, Dom’s apartment, Orlando’s trailer, Sean’s car, your bed. LA isn’t my home anymore. I can’t imagine my life anywhere but here now.”
“What about your life before this movie?”
“It was decent. I did movies, hung out with my few friends, listened to music. But I don’t want to go back to that.” Elijah slumped his shoulders and Billy couldn’t find any words to say to him. So, he got up from the floor and wandered into Elijah’s bedroom. He grabbed the comforter and pillows and returned to the living room. Elijah gave him a strange look, but he tossed the pillows on the empty floor and laid the comforter out. He sat down on the floor and motioned for Elijah to join him. Elijah crawled across the floor, and Billy wrapped his arms around him, draping the comforter over their bodies.
“I don’t want to leave you,” Elijah whispered.
“Ssh,” Billy said into his hair. “Don’t think about that. Tonight, I’m here.” Elijah held on to Billy like he was his anchor, and Billy kissed his soft hair and said nothing. Billy wanted to stop time so he could always have that particular moment. Elijah warm against his skin, the New Zealand rain tapping softly on his window, everything perfect. He couldn’t let Elijah know that he was just as scared and lost. He had to be strong. If only for Elijah.
Billy didn’t sleep that night. After they made love twice, Elijah tried desperately to stay awake, but he fell asleep, hands clasped tightly around Billy. Billy watched Elijah sleep. He couldn’t bear to close his eyes, because he didn’t know the next time he’d be able to gaze at Elijah’s fluttering eyes and rising chest.
The rain came down constantly, background noise in an otherwise silent room. It comforted Billy as he trailed his fingers across Elijah’s forehead and cheeks, over his shoulders and down his side. He memorized the rhythm of his breathing, the scent of his hair, the shadows on his face. He tried desperately to ignore the thoughts pouring through his mind, but he knew what they had to do. Even if it would kill him.
Billy placed kisses over Elijah’s face when he saw him stirring.
“Are you still up?” Elijah asked, voice husky with sleep.
“Figure I can sleep on the plane back to Glasgow.”
Elijah raised up on his elbows. “What time is it? I can’t see and don’t know where my glasses are.”
“It’s only 6:30.”
“Why am I up?” Elijah laid his head on Billy’s chest, but Billy pushed him off.
“Because your flight leaves in a few hours, and you need to get ready. Sean will be here to take you both to the airport around 8.”
“Don’t remind me,” Elijah said into his pillow. Billy rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. Elijah looked so fragile and perfect, face buried into his pillow, blanket draping around his bare hips. He looked like he’d break if Billy touched him, didn’t handle him with care. And Billy just wanted to protect him.
“I think we need to talk.”
Elijah peeked out from his pillow. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I’m thinking that maybe we should put our relationship on hold for awhile.”
Elijah sat up quickly, panic written all over his face. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No!” Billy said, sitting up and grabbing Elijah’s hands. He took a few deep breaths, trying to figure out the best way to say what he wanted to. “I am definitely not breaking up with you. I just think that right now, with you going to LA and me going to Glasgow, we should just put our relationship on hold temporarily. Since there is going to be so much other stuff, with the premieres and settling back into our old lives.”
“What if I don’t want to?” Elijah said, squaring his shoulders.
“I really think it’s for the best, Lij. I love you and will come see you the first moment I get. But right now I think this is the best thing.”
“I don’t like it, but okay. I trust you.”
Later, Billy watched Elijah get into Sean’s car and drive away until the car vanished around a corner. He wandered around town, hands stuffed into his pockets, eyes glued to the ground, and felt empty. He couldn’t imagine a morning without Elijah, a week without hearing his voice, a month without seeing his face. He cursed life, he cursed the movie, and he cursed fate for bringing them together. But most of all he cursed himself for hurting not only himself, but Elijah.
*
Billy rolled his suitcase along behind him. The airport was surprisingly not as busy as he expected, but he still was afraid he was going to miss Elijah somehow. He couldn’t distinguish one LA person from the next, and he was afraid even Elijah would blend into the crowd.
Outside the terminal, he leaned against a window so he could see anyone who came by. After a few moments, he dug his sunglasses out of his carryon bag. Sun should not have been shining that brightly through the windows.
“Billy!”
Billy looked up, confused. Dom came running across the terminal and jumped on him before pulling him into a bear hug and kissing him.
“I’m so glad to see you! Man, have I missed you.” Dom took Billy’s suitcase out of his hand and walked out of the terminal, Billy following.
“Where’s Elijah?” Billy asked. Elijah had said he’d be at the airport waiting on him, but instead he sent Dom. As grateful as Billy was to see Dom, he couldn’t help but feel a little stung.
“A meeting with his agent or something. I don’t know. I never see the boy, but it’s okay, because that means I get the house to myself most of the time.”
At the guesthouse, Billy walked around, studying everything on the shelves, the pictures hanging on the walls, the movies on the DVD rack. This was Elijah’s home. Not his apartment back in New Zealand, but where he actually existed, where his past met his present. And Billy felt awkward, an intruder on a life he had no right being part of.
Dom kept him occupied while Elijah was gone. They sat around the kitchen drinking beer while they caught each other up on their lives, even though had talked to each other two days ago. Then Dom showed him around the small house before taking him to Elijah’s mom’s house. It all felt so different, so foreign. So wrong.
By the time Elijah walked through the door that night, Billy had already convinced himself he was a stranger. So, when he saw Elijah, he didn’t jump up and fold him into his arms. Instead he sat on the couch and stared at him. Elijah even looked different, with a light tan and slightly burnt cheeks.
“Billy!” Elijah crossed the room and plopped himself in Billy’s lap. “I’ve missed you so much.” Elijah wrapped his arms around Billy’s neck and kissed him while Billy remained still. Elijah pulled back, confused. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just been so long. I’m a little shocked is all.”
“Billy, it’s only been a couple of months. And I talked to you last night.” Elijah curled the hairs at the base of Billy’s neck around his fingers. Billy felt a chill run down his spine and he pressed his lips against Elijah’s. “That’s more like it,” Elijah mumbled against Billy’s mouth.
Billy didn’t leave Elijah’s side all night. He followed him into the kitchen, the shower, his Mom’s house, the balcony to smoke, and finally to bed. Billy tried to stay awake; he didn’t want to fall asleep, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open. When he woke up, he reached out beside him, needing to feel Elijah, but he wasn’t there.
Billy opened his eyes and looked around. It was still rather early, at least in Elijah’s frame of mind, but his spot in the bed was cold. He got out of bed, pulled on some flannel pants, and padded into the living room. Dom was sitting on the couch, playing video games.
“Where’s Elijah?” Billy asked, yawning.
“Meeting, photo shoot, interview. I can’t keep up. It should be on the refrigerator. He usually keeps his schedule there.”
Billy continued into the kitchen and spotted a sheet of paper with Elijah’s schedule jotted down in his hurried scratch. An interview at a place Billy didn’t recognize. He poked around the kitchen and found some cereal, then joined Dom on the couch. He didn’t change out of his pajamas all day.
Elijah came home later that afternoon only to change and go back out to dinner with some friends. But Billy wasn’t going to be left sitting on Elijah’s couch watching Dom play video games. He’d flown all the way from Scotland to be with Elijah, and he was going to be with him.
“Let me come with you.”
“No,” Elijah said, changing into nice trousers and a button up. “I’ll be back in a few hours. You have Dom here to keep you company.”
“I’ve been here for over twenty four hours, and I’ve seen you for maybe two. I want to come with you.”
“Fine. If you insist.”
After that, Billy followed Elijah everywhere he went. To interviews, dinners, the grocery store – wherever Elijah was, Billy was. It made Billy feel a part of Elijah’s life again, part of this foreign world Billy didn’t factor into. He was meeting Elijah’s friends, visiting spots he often frequented, and even getting himself a slight tan. And when Elijah crawled into bed at night and talked to Billy about various things, Billy could now identify names and places with physical things. And LA started to feel a little less foreign.
*
Billy woke up and reached for Elijah, but he wasn’t there. He rolled over and saw Elijah pulling on a pair of jeans.
“Where are you going?” he asked, still half asleep.
“Just out to pick up a few things and I need to drop by and see my agent. Go back to sleep. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“No,” Billy said, throwing the covers off of him. “I want to go.”
“Billy, it’s okay. I can go by myself.”
“It’s really no problem, Lij. I’ll be ready – “
“I said I can go by myself!” Elijah yelled. Billy sat back, shocked. Elijah had never raised his voice to him as long as they’d been together. Billy was speechless. “You just stay here.”
“But I like going with you,” Billy said quietly. Elijah pulled a shirt out of a drawer and shoved it over his head.
“I know you like going with me, Billy. You’ve done everything with me since you got here. I haven’t had two seconds to myself.”
“I didn’t know I was being a bother.”
“It’s just, I have a life here. And I’m so glad you’re here, but I can’t just not do everything that I have to. And I’m tired of you going everywhere with me. You’re smothering me.”
“I see.” Billy got up and walked past Elijah into the living room. Dom was nowhere to be seen, and he couldn’t help but be glad. He didn’t want to see anyone.
“Billy,” Elijah said, following him. “Don’t take it the wrong way.”
“Oh no. I’m not.” Billy sat down and wasn’t sure how any of this had happened. When they’d grown separate lives, when Billy had become insecure, when Elijah had grown up, when Elijah had stopped needing him as much as he needed Elijah. He was suddenly a stranger again.
Elijah sat down beside him. “Billy, I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days. Us, I mean. And well, I think that the separation was the best thing when we left New Zealand. And that maybe we should maybe think about it on a more permanent basis.”
“Like break up?”
“I guess that’s what I’m getting at. Things are so hectic now for both of us, living in two different countries, doing projects other than Rings, trying to somehow get back into our old lives.” Elijah took Billy’s hand. “I love you, but it just isn’t working anymore.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. We’re just too different now.” Billy smiled sadly at Elijah. Elijah leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, which broke his heart. It was over, really over. This beautiful, innocent child that he’d agonized over, protected, and fallen in love with was now breaking up with him. Letting him go, when he’d thought all along it’d be the other way around.
After Elijah left, Billy went to numbly packing. The first flight to Glasgow didn’t leave until late that night, so he decided he’d go and sit in the airport coffee shop, drowning his growing despair in endless cups of caffeine. He would rather be anywhere but inside those foreign, bleak walls. He’d thought they could do it, could stay together regardless of age, because it didn’t matter. And in the end, it didn’t.
*
Billy sat in the airport Starbucks, nursing his fifth or sixth cup of coffee. He couldn’t really remember what number he was on and didn’t care. It didn’t matter. He didn’t even look up when someone pulled out one of the chairs from his table. They could have it – he would be sitting alone.
“Billy, you are the easiest person to find,” Dom said, sitting down. Sean sat down in the empty chair beside him.
“What are you two doing here?” Billy asked half-heartedly.
“You can’t leave and not say goodbye to me,” Dom said. Billy stared back down at his cup. “Seriously, you can’t leave like this.”
“No reason to stay.”
“Elijah’s a reason to stay,” Sean said. Billy lifted the cup to his lips, but Sean took it out of his hands. Billy didn’t know what to do with his hands without the cup they were holding. They shook slightly and he started fidgeting. He suddenly couldn’t keep still.
“Elijah made it very clear how he felt. And now I’m going back to my life and away from his. Give him his room, since he was smothered.” Billy picked up a spoon lying on the table and started erratically tapping it on the table.
“He didn’t mean it, Billy. He’s just as freaked as you are.” Dom reached across the table and stilled Billy’s hand. “He loves you and doesn’t want you to go.”
“You guys are wasting your time,” Billy said quickly. He suddenly needed to get out of the coffee shop, away from Dom and Sean. He felt like he was being smothered.
Billy stood up and walked out of the shop, dragging his suitcase behind him. Sean and Dom followed.
“Billy, stop it!” Dom said firmly, but Billy just kept walking. He had to keep walking, keep drinking coffee, keep staring – anything to keep the voices out of his head. And Dom and Sean were almost as distracting as the voices.
Dom grabbed Billy’s arm and stopped him. “Just stop, okay? You’re a bloody fool if you leave him right now. And if you do, you deserve to lose him.”
“What do you know?” Billy yelled. A few people walking by glanced at him, but he didn’t care. “What do you know about reuniting with someone just to feel a stranger when you should feel home?” Billy looked between the two men. “Now, just let me go.”
“We’ll never forgive ourselves if you leave him,” Sean finally said.
“Leave him? He’s the one who left me,” Billy said, slumping against the wall.
“Billy, Elijah’s terrified. He wasn’t used to being without you, then he regained part of his old life, and then you came back, shaking what thin security he had. If you want him, you have to make him understand that everything’ll be okay.” Sean placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder. “Don’t get on that plane. Be there when he gets back. That may be all it takes.”
Billy left his suitcase lying beside Dom and walked to the bathroom. He ran cold water into the dirty sink and splashed it on his face. When he looked in the mirror, he saw worry and stress lines all over his face, a few more wrinkles around the eyes and the corners of his mouth. He was lost. The last thing he wanted to do was lose Elijah. Elijah meant everything to him, and losing him was like losing a huge part of his past, of his life, of himself. He’d never wanted to lose him, and somewhere along the way convinced himself that they’d always be together. And now they weren’t. And Billy didn’t know where to go from there.
He finally rejoined Dom and Sean, waiting anxiously where Billy left them. They looked at him expectantly, and he sighed.
“Let’s get back to the house.”
*
Billy was sitting on the couch alone when Elijah walked through the door. He looked ragged and tired.
“I didn’t expect you to be here,” Elijah said, throwing his keys on the coffee table.
“I didn’t either. I was supposed to be on a flight to Glasgow in two hours.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because Sean said all it would take is me being here when you got back,” Billy said honestly. And he couldn’t really figure out about another reason for why he was there.
“Sean is an idealistic dreamer.”
“Elijah, this is stupid. It shouldn’t end this way.”
“Well, how should it end, Billy?” Elijah ran a hand wearily through his messy hair. “Five or six years down the road when we don’t know each other anymore and we’ve become bitter and cynical? I don’t think that’s the way I want to end up.”
“Why does it have to end up that way? Why can’t it end happy?”
“Because. I don’t know. Because things are different, we’re different. This isn’t New Zealand. We never thought past that into what and where we would be when it was over. How are we ever supposed to find that again?”
“Oh, Elijah,” Billy said, standing up and pulling Elijah into his arms. “It’s part of being in love, growing up, living. Things change, sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better.” Billy placed a kiss on Elijah’s forehead. “Just think, soon we won’t have to worry about the movie affecting our relationship, and we no longer have to worry about your age anymore. It can just be Elijah and Billy.”
“How can it work with you in Scotland and me here?”
“Because we want it to.” Billy lifted Elijah’s chin and studied him carefully. “Don’t give up on me so easily, Elijah.” Billy leaned forward and kissed Elijah softly. Elijah wrapped his arms around Billy tightly, deepening the kiss. Billy didn’t know what was going to happen, if they’d make it another month or seven years. But Billy stopped questioning the way things went the moment that Elijah walked into his life.
~Fin
Author:
thepsychicclamPairing: Billy/Elijah
Rating: R
Summary: Elijah reminds Billy of things he never really knew
Disclaimer: This never happened.
A/N: Many thanks go out out to my beta,
impasto. Billy tried to ignore that his fascination with Elijah was quite pervy and not quite legal. Billy was now thirty, a good strong age if he does say so himself, but when he had shown up to the set, he was swept away by the young, seventeen year-old kid who was slated to play Frodo. What was it about this guy, this kid, that gave everyone the confidence that a young American teen had what it took to carry off the most important part in the production?
Billy walked into the room the first day and saw three other people dispersed among cheap plastic chairs, sitting nervously and fidgeting. Billy’s eyes focused on the small guy with floppy brown hair. He dominated the room. He oozed energy and life, and Billy’s body was immediately aware of him.
“Hi!” Elijah said, jumping out of the chair and striding across the room. He took Billy’s hand in his own, and it was so soft, so small - even in Billy’s own small hands.
“Hello.” Billy forgot there was anyone else in the room, momentarily ignoring the fact that Frodo and Pippin were not the only hobbits going on the journey.
“I’m Elijah Wood. You must be Billy Boyd. I’m so psyched to meet you!” And Elijah dropped his hand – the cold air hit it like ice after the warmth of Elijah’s palm – and threw his arms around Billy’s neck. Billy, too shocked to do anything, stood with his hands by his sides before timidly placing one hand around Elijah’s waist.
As quickly as he was there, Elijah was gone. Elijah plopped back into his chair, chewing on his index finger, and Billy still stood in the middle of the room – a room filled by nothing but Elijah.
Later that night, all four hobbits sat around an old, knotted, stained wooden table in Dom’s apartment. Boxes littered the floor, and the table and uncomfortable, hard chairs were the only furniture in the apartment save the mattress in the bedroom.
“Beer on me tonight, mates,” Dom said, handing bottles to everyone.
“Should Elijah really be drinking? He’s only seventeen,” Sean said, pulling the top of his beer with the bottle opener Dom handed him.
“Ah, he’ll be fine,” Dom said, patting Elijah on the back. “This is a movie set. No drinking ages here.”
“What kind of beer is this?” Elijah asked. “I’ve never heard of it.”
“Ah, that’s because you’re American mate,” Dom said. “This is German beer. Much better than the piss you all drink over there.”
Elijah nodded and attempted to pull the bottle top off, but couldn’t get the bottle opener positioned quite properly.
“Having trouble?” Billy asked, deciding it was time he found his voice. He extended his hand and Elijah gratefully handed him the bottle. Billy expertly popped the top off in no time and gave the cold beer back to Elijah.
“Thanks, man.”
“I’m guessing you haven’t drank much in the past.” Billy took a long sip of his own beer as Elijah did, watching those pretty pink lips wrap around the mouth of the bottle. He took another drink to get his mind away from the images it was provoking.
“Not really. I never had time for parties and things like that, and my mom was always with me at movie sets.”
“Well, that will certainly change!” Dom said. “We’re British. You’re going to learn how to drink with us.”
“Oh lord,” Sean said, nursing his beer quietly.
“He’ll be fine, Sean. Not to worry. Plus, you’ll be around to watch over him just in case anything bad happens.”
Billy watched Elijah out of the corner of his eye, knowing he’d also never let Elijah out of his sight.
*
A few days later, Orlando convinced them all to come over to his apartment – fully furnished and unpacked – to have a couple drinks. Billy was starting to think all he’d ever do while he was in New Zealand was drink.
Orlando and Viggo had already had quite a few beers by the time the hobbits arrived, and were a little more enthusiastic than usual.
“Let’s play a drinking game!” Orlando shouted. “What a better way to bond and get to know each other than to get pissed over cards?”
Much to Sean’s chagrin, they all crowded around Orlando’s small coffee table in the living room. Billy made it a point to sit beside Elijah who shared the couch with Dom. Elijah’s thigh pressed softly against Billy’s, and he refused to admit how warm Elijah felt.
Viggo suggested Circle of Death, and soon everyone was quite tipsy and having a great time, even Sean who was pretending to be sober, but failing miserably since he was laughing hysterically at a joke Orlando was telling.
Billy stayed quiet and listened. He was fascinated by the people surrounding him. He took in everything they said, memorized every story they told. He wanted to start collecting pieces of them at that moment, making sure he had them with him all the time. He already loved them all.
Elijah surprised him more than anything. He had a kind of maturity that rivaled Ian McKellan’s, but on the flip side he could be as immature as a thirteen year old. In one short hour, he’d discussed stock market strategies and seventeenth century philosophy with Viggo and Sean – both of which went completely over Billy’s head – but also made crude jokes and gestures with Dom and Orlando. He giggled constantly, even while he was telling Viggo which stock he should buy and sell, and never sat still. But he listened, looked inside you with his eyes and really took to heart everything you said.
Elijah turned to Billy and sat back against the couch, game temporarily forgotten.
“Are you going to miss your family?”
“When?” Billy replied, joining Elijah at the back of the couch.
“Now. While you’re here.”
“Well, Maggie has been living in a different city than me for awhile, so it won’t be too bad. But I’ll miss her at the holidays, I’m sure.”
“What about your parents?”
Billy turned away from Elijah and started picking at the label on his beer. He remained silent for a while, and Elijah never turned away. He patiently waited for Billy to answer with his head against the soft cushion and eyes on Billy’s fingers.
“Um, they died. When I was fourteen.” Billy didn’t look up from his jagged label. Elijah placed his hand over Billy’s, and Billy glanced up into Elijah’s face. Elijah didn’t ask for anything else, just smiled at him, squeezed his hand before dropping it to Billy’s knee. He sat back up and rejoined the game, while Billy sat back, staring at the back of Elijah’s head. Billy instantly wanted to learn the whys to Elijah Wood. Along with everything else about him.
And Elijah’s hand never left Billy’s knee.
*
Elijah was all youth and energy. Billy loved the way it shined from his face every time he smiled. And underneath it all, Elijah was innocence and undiscovered curves, even though Billy knew Elijah had lost his innocence a long time before.
Billy and Sean didn’t care for clubbing as much as Dom and Elijah, but they tagged along anyway under the guise of supervision. Billy and Sean spent as much time out on the dance floor as Elijah and Dom did.
One hot night, Billy was dancing with a short redhead when he noticed Elijah. Not young, impish Elijah with the giggle, but sexy, mature Elijah with hips made for more than dancing. Elijah was dancing alone among a group of both men and women. He gripped his sweaty neck with one hand as the other dangled at his side. His hips moved in time with the music as his jeans hung loosely, exposing a glimpse of pale skin and hipbone. Elijah’s eyes were shut, his eyelashes spreading across smooth cheeks, pink tongue peeking from between dark lips. Billy forgot the redhead.
He blamed it on the beer, but soon he was pressed behind Elijah, hands gripping thin hips lightly while Elijah rested his head on Billy’s shoulder. Billy could do nothing but stare at Elijah’s long, pale, exposed throat. Beads of sweat rolled down the skin, disappearing somewhere into the collar of the blue shirt he wore. Billy wanted to lick the sweat from Elijah, taste the bitter and salty moisture on his tongue. But instead he buried his nose in Elijah’s hair and danced.
*
There was a boyish quality about Elijah, an awkwardness that he hadn’t shaken or grown out of and a juvenile way of looking at things that Billy yearned to share. With only a few sentences, Elijah could make Billy forget that age even existed.
One stormy afternoon, after filming had been cancelled for the rest of the day, Elijah invited Billy over to play video games. Billy had never played video games as a kid, too busy growing up too fast, and it was nothing he picked up as an adult. But there was no way he going say no to an afternoon alone with Elijah.
“What game?” Billy asked, settling onto the floor in front of the couch.
“Grand Theft Auto. This version just came out.” Elijah popped the game in and handed Billy a controller. “Ever played it?”
“Um, no. Actually I’ve never played on a Playstation.” Billy held the controller in his hand uncertainly. He didn’t know where to put his fingers, so he looked over at Elijah for guidance.
“Oh, wow. I thought every male had played on a Playstation.” Elijah leaned over and showed his controller to Billy. He proceeded to tell Billy the correct placement of his fingers, which buttons did what, and by the end, Billy still had no clue what he was doing, but he could at least hold the controller correctly.
They played for hours, and eventually Billy got the hang of driving pretend cars on a pretend road.
“You’re getting pretty good,” Elijah said, just as Billy rammed his car into a large wall. “Well, you’re getting better.”
“Sod off, cunt,” Billy laughed, trying to control his car. He was in the middle of a rather cool move, if he did say so himself, when Elijah paused the game.
“Piss break.” Elijah jumped up and walked into the bathroom, returning moments later.
“You piss faster than anyone on the planet,” Billy said amazed.
“It’s a gift,” Elijah said. He sat back down and picked up his controller. Billy tried to ignore the fact that Elijah had sat closer to him, so close that Billy’s knee brushed Elijah’s every few moments. Billy found it extremely hard to concentrate on the game with Elijah so close – and was it Billy’s imagination or did Elijah’s hips keep moving closer and closer?
“I’m impressed, Billy.” Elijah set the controller down beside him after a rather vigorous game. “Didn’t think you’d have it in you.”
Billy’s mouth was suddenly dry, and he swallowed in an attempt to make it better. Elijah’s face was so close to his, his eyes wide and innocent, his hand stroking Billy’s thigh not so innocent. Billy was going to die of thirst; he was going to choke on Elijah’s living room floor. Elijah stuck his tongue – his oh so wet tongue – out and licked his lips. Elijah’s mouth was so wet and Billy’s so dry.
It seemed the most logical thing to Billy when he pressed his lips against Elijah’s. He ran his tongue along Elijah’s bottom lip, seeking entry into his moist mouth. He was instead met with cold air.
“What…was that?” Elijah asked, voice shaky. Billy wanted to disappear. Elijah had stroked his thigh, scooted closer – but Elijah was young and he was the mature party here.
“Nothing. I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” Billy started to move away, but Elijah grabbed his leg, stilling him.
“I wouldn’t mind,” Elijah whispered, grabbing Billy’s hand and slipping his fingers through his.
Billy urgently pressed his lips against Elijah’s again, needing to tastefeeldrink him in. The room was quiet except for the soft pitter-patter of rain on the window and rumbling thunder in the distance. Soon, Elijah was shoving game controllers out of the way and pulling Billy on top of him as he descended back to the floor. Billy’s fingers sneaked under the soft fabric of Elijah’s worn out T-shirt, trembling fingertips brushing warm skin.
“Oh god, Lij,” Billy whispered against Elijah’s mouth. When Billy touched Elijah, he was reminded of things he wasn’t sure he ever truly knew. In a blur of hands and skin, Billy removed his and Elijah’s clothes and they were lying hip to hip, chest to chest, skin to skin. Elijah bucked against him, his sweet mouth twisting into an oval of pleasure just for Billy. Not on camera for the rest of the world, not over a pint with the rest of the guys, not on the street for a passing fan. This was Elijah just for Billy.
Elijah’s body was so eager and responsive, and he wanted to try everything all at once. Billy was afraid he couldn’t keep up, but as he touched, caressed, and kissed Elijah, he forgot that it had been too long since he’d had an age that ended in teen. They fell into an awkward rhythm, and soon Billy had to feel Elijah, be part of him. He thrust in quickly – too quickly – and Elijah cried out in pain. Billy started to pull out but Elijah, grabbed him, stopping him.
“Please don’t stop,” Elijah whispered, eyes moist and hooded. Billy kissed his puffy mouth and slid the rest of the way in slower, more gently, though it took everything he had. He finally felt himself buried deep inside Elijah and Elijah made a myriad of sounds beneath him. Billy moved against Elijah, who gripped him so tightly that Billy thought he was going to pull him right down into himself, merge together into one entity of passion and pleasure.
When Elijah came with a shout of “Billy” on his lips, Billy knew he had found the most beautiful sound in the entire world. Nothing could compare. Feeling Elijah’s sticky come between them, Billy rocked a few more times before coming inside Elijah. He didn’t pull out – never wanted to move from where they were at that moment – and wrapped his arms tightly around Elijah, face buried in his sweaty neck. This time Billy did stick his tongue out and lick the moisture from Elijah’s skin. Elijah hummed contentedly underneath him, hand roaming up and down Billy’s damp back. Neither moved for a long time.
After this, Billy had to be with Elijah, regardless of their ages or backgrounds. What did they really have in common? Elijah was a child star from America, Billy an orphan from Scotland. But none of that mattered. Night after night, Elijah crawled into Billy’s arms, whether it be in Billy’s pristine apartment or Elijah’s messy one. They’d lay in bed, sweaty and breathless, the New Zealand air whipping in through the open windows, and talk. Elijah would lie his head on Billy’s bare chest, running his hands along the smooth skin, rambling on about filming some movie or about a family reunion he attended when he was twelve where he got beat up by his cousins. Billy held Elijah close in his arms, hands losing themselves in his damp hair, and he would tell Elijah about working in a bookshop, having Christmas alone with his sister with nothing but a twig for a tree, but never spoke of his parents. And Elijah never asked.
And night after night they’d fall into dreams wrapped around one another like they would never touch one another again. Billy woke up first, watching Elijah sleeping soundly, holding onto Billy, before placing soft kisses all over his fresh skin. Billy never wanted to wake up another way ever again.
*
They didn’t tell anyone they were together at first. Dom and Sean had their suspicions, but Billy didn’t wasn’t ready to mar their happiness with the unpleasant things people would say and Elijah was still young and not ready for spectacle. Billy didn’t care – as long as he had Elijah, he didn’t care if he was ducking for kisses behind make up trailers or shouting it from the Eiffel Tower. Elijah seemed content to keep it a secret. He found the whole idea of secrecy to be exciting and somehow convinced Billy of the same.
Elijah loved going to clubs. Billy would rather sit around a table at a pub with a pint, but Elijah liked the dancing, the bodies, the tempo. Billy was more than happy to let Elijah go by himself, but Elijah wouldn’t have it. Even though they were careful not to dance together, Elijah told Billy he just wanted him to be sitting there when he returned to the table.
“Billy, you need to get up and dance if you ever expect to find someone to take home,” Dom said to him one night. Billy smiled and lifted his drink to his lips. “All right then. Mind sitting here alone?”
“No. Go dance, Dom. I’m fine!” Billy laughed and shooed Dom away from the table. Billy was quite glad Dom was off dancing because that gave him a chance to enjoy watching Elijah.
Elijah danced with everyone. First a small, blonde girl, then a tall, broad shouldered guy, then got shoved in the middle of a group of girls. Elijah was beautiful. His movements were awkward and not as graceful as Dom’s, but Elijah danced with abandon. He didn’t care what anyone thought; he just let his body do what he thought it should with the music.
Billy watched as Elijah kissed a girl who slipped a piece of paper in his pocket. Billy felt some kind of triumph in watching boys and girls alike hand Elijah their phone numbers and get a decent snog, complete with Elijah’s empty promises to call in the morning. It didn’t bother Billy. He knew how Elijah felt about him. Elijah went home with him every night and that was what was important.
“Having fun?” Elijah said breathlessly as he dropped into the chair beside Billy. He casually placed his hand on Billy’s knee and stroked his thumb across it.
“I am. You look like you’re having fun out there.” Billy handed Elijah his near empty glass, and Elijah downed it in one gulp.
“The music’s great tonight! And the people are really cool.” Elijah leaned close to Billy’s ear and brushed his lips against it. “I wish you were out there with me.”
“Later, my love,” Billy said, placing his hand on Elijah’s and squeezing. They spotted Dom moving towards them through the crowd and pulled apart.
“Knackered?” Dom asked, placing a hand on Elijah’s shoulder.
“Hell no. Come on!” Elijah jumped out of his chair and led Dom out onto the dance floor. Dom pulled Elijah close and held onto him tightly. Billy waited until Dom’s gaze traveled over to their table and when it did, he held it evenly over his glass. There was no threat in Billy’s eyes, just a simple warning – and Dom understood. He still held fast to Elijah, but it was just dancing with a friend.
Later that night while Elijah chatted up the bartender, Dom leaned close to Billy.
“What’s going on between you and Elijah?”
Billy stared at his hands, not quite sure what to tell Dom.
“You can tell me, you know. I don’t care if you’re seeing each other.”
Billy looked up at Dom, relief washing over him. “Thanks. We’re together, yeah. But we just don’t want anyone to know. Not yet at least. If anyone found – “
“I know, Billy,” Dom interrupted. “I won’t tell anyone. I think it’s great. I’m really happy for you.”
Billy knew at that moment that Dom was one of the best friends he’d ever had.
*
Sean finally picked up on their secret a couple of months before Elijah’s eighteenth birthday. Billy sat in his trailer, attempting to learn his lines for the day, when he heard a knock. He opened the door and was surprised to see Sean standing on the other side.
“Hey. Come on in.” Billy closed the door after Sean and followed him over to the couch littered with papers and clothes.
“You’re seeing Elijah, aren’t you?” Sean blurted out. Billy was quite taken aback. He opened his mouth a couple times, but nothing came out.
“Why?” he finally managed to say.
“I saw him coming out of your apartment the other morning. Which explains why Elijah’s never there when I call him at night.”
“Um. Yes. We’ve been seeing each other.”
“He’s seventeen, Billy! You’re thirty! He’s still a kid. It’s so wrong! Dirty even!” Sean said, his tone gentler than his words. “You both can get into so much trouble. And you work together. This is a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. Why Elijah? There are so many other people on the set!”
“I’ve asked myself that same question a hundred times, Sean.” Billy slumped back into the cushions. “I’ve never been drawn to anyone like I am to him in my life. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before. Please understand, Sean, I don’t want to hurt him. I’d rather die than hurt him.”
“But it’s so easy for him to get hurt in this situation!” Sean argued. “It’s just ugly. You’re a grown man. He’s just too young. You shouldn’t be together, and if you have to, just wait.”
“I can’t wait. I…He means too much to me. I can’t let him go now.”
Sean sighed. “Dammit, Billy. I just don’t want you two to end up miserable or worse.” Sean stood up and walked to the door. “Think about what I said, okay? And just be careful.”
Sean closed the door softly behind him, but the noise echoed in Billy’s brain. Maybe Sean was right. There was such a huge age difference and they were coworkers on something that would span the next couple years of their lives. He admitted to himself reluctantly that he hadn’t thought very much beyond Elijah, because his brain wouldn’t allow him to go any further.
When Elijah came over that night, Billy sat him down on the couch across from him.
“Am I in trouble?” Elijah asked, wide eyed and anxious. Billy felt all his resolve melting away, but he tried to steel himself.
“No, love. I think that maybe we moved into all this too quickly and didn’t think about the consequences. How it would affect the movie, our lives. Maybe we should slow things down a bit, stop seeing each other for awhile.” Billy didn’t realize that he had been staring at his feet the entire time until Elijah knelt before him and lifted his chin.
“Sean talked to you, didn’t he?” Elijah asked, amusement dancing in his eyes.
“Um, no.”
“You’re a terrible liar, Billy Boyd. He talked to me, too. He’s worried about us, but he doesn’t know what’s best for us. I do. It’s you, and I refuse to let you slow things down. If things happen that affect the movie or our lives, we’ll deal with it then – together. Okay?”
Billy could only nod. He should be the one dealing out wisdom and advice, not sitting in the chair, trembling like a child. Elijah was right. It was their lives, and Billy couldn’t imagine being apart from him, regardless of how much he tried to convince himself it was the best way to go.
That night, they made love on the couch. The words “dirty” and “ugly” haunted Billy as he kissed Elijah, hands roaming over his naked body. They flashed under his eyelids like neon signs. He pulled away, leaving Elijah confused and vulnerable beneath him, and studied him for awhile. Elijah let him be, just laid back and watched Billy closely. Billy’s eyes roamed over Elijah’s body as his hands explored. He touched Elijah’s pale skin over and over, watching as his fingers left fleeting marks. He contrasted his own skin against Elijah’s, pressing his arm to Elijah’s chest and staring at his aging hands against the ageless, perfect skin beneath them. Elijah walked his fingers slowly up Billy’s arm, and Billy leaned down to kiss those nail bitten fingers one by one.
They stayed up so late that going to sleep just to wake up in an hour for feet was pointless. So they made coffee and had sex again on the kitchen floor. Afterwards, Elijah curled up against Billy and eyes closed for a powernap. Billy watched him and thought again about all the warnings he’d been given. He thought about leaving Elijah, cutting it all off and continuing to love him in secret, where they both were safe. But then he heard a hitch in Elijah’s breathing, watched him adjust in his sleep, and he knew that there was no way he could ever let him go. And would Elijah understand if he up and left? He was completely alone, just like Billy, but unlike Billy, Elijah was still a kid. He didn’t understand that sometimes love and life didn’t turn out fairly and that just loving someone wasn’t always enough. But Billy didn’t want Elijah to learn that lesson from him. He had his whole life to learn that from everyone else, and Billy would be damned if Elijah was going to learn it from him.
Billy then realized, there on the kitchen floor, that the two of them together weren’t dirty and ugly, but beautiful as they learned and experienced together, and slowly falling very much in love.
*
Most nights (when they weren’t out clubbing) the four of them, joined occasionally by Orlando, Viggo, Bean, Miranda, Liv, or whoever else was around, would sit around and watch movies and play video games. They’d stay in someone’s flat until none of them could keep their eyes open any longer.
“Come on, Billy,” Elijah said, tugging at Billy’s arm after a rather rigorous day. Billy remained slumped in the chair.
“Lij, I’m tired. I just want to go to bed.”
“No. We’re just going over to Dom’s to watch a movie. You can sleep during it.”
“Is that a promise?” Billy asked, getting out of the chair and reluctantly following Elijah out of the apartment. They walked to Dom’s apartment and opened the door without knocking. Sean and Dom were already sitting on the couch.
“What’s up?” Sean asked.
“We got some indie New Zealand action film. We figured you’d like it, Elijah, and it looked interesting,” Dom said as he popped the video into the VCR.
Billy sat in the corner armchair, and Elijah squeezed beside him as usual. Elijah moved around, poking Billy in the sides with his elbows and knees, until he got comfortable. He curled up against Billy’s side, head lying on Billy’s chest. Billy wrapped an arm around Elijah’s waist and Elijah immediately threaded his fingers through Billy’s.
Twenty minutes into the movie, Billy nodded off. His head rolled to the side and his mouth hung open slightly as he snored softly. He woke suddenly when he heard Dom and Elijah shouting at the television.
“A little loud there,” Billy whispered into Elijah’s hair. Elijah looked up at him and grinned.
“Sorry. But that guy is an idiot.”
“And it helped to scream at the telly, didn’t it?”
“Shut up.”
“Hey, Sean. What are the old married couple whispering about over there?” Dom teased as he elbowed Sean in the side.
“We are not an old married couple!” Elijah yelled. He picked up a pillow off the floor and threw it across the room at Dom.
“Don’t deny it, Lij. Look at you two. Always curled up in the same chair while Billy falls asleep. So sad.” Dom blew a kiss towards them in answer of Elijah’s extended middle finger.
Billy paid no attention to Dom’s teasing. Dom teased them all the time, but Billy knew he was thrilled they were together. Billy thought it was amusing, and it helped remind him that his friends were happy with their decision. Billy was asleep again within minutes and groaned when Elijah shook him awake.
“Come on, Billy. Time to go home.” Billy let Elijah pull him out of the chair, and he yawned and stretched before Elijah grabbed his hand. Billy waved sleepily to Dom and Sean while Elijah led him out of the apartment and back his own. Elijah kicked CDs and clothes out of the way as he and Billy walked through the door. Elijah’s apartment was the usual disarray of clothes, soda cans, take-out boxes, and CDs. He spent very little time there, and what time Elijah was there was in bed or curled up on the couch. Billy often wanted to come over and clean his apartment for him, but Elijah didn’t seem to mind, so Billy just tripped over the mess whenever he was there.
The bed was unmade and cold, but Billy immediately fell into it and started to fall back asleep. He felt small hands rubbing up and down his thighs and opened his eyes a little. Elijah was staring down at him, eyes heavy and lips parted. Billy really wanted to go to sleep, but his body was starting to wake up and respond eagerly. He pulled Elijah down to him and captured him into a kiss. Almost in a dream, he and Elijah shed their clothes and rocked back and forth slowly. Elijah’s skin was warm and soft, and Billy closed his eyes just to feel it. Elijah slid in him easily and they sleepily pressed their lips together. Billy knew it wasn’t mind-blowing sex, the kind that you fantasize about your entire life. It was comfortable sex, just on the brink of sleep where it’s more about being close and together than the ends. They fell asleep like this, Elijah lying on top of Billy, still inside until he rolled over to Billy’s side.
These nights were Billy’s favorite.
*
Elijah placed a piece of tape on the box he just finished packing. Most of the boxes had already been shipped off, and the last ones were full of stuff Elijah couldn’t live without before he left. Billy looked around the apartment; he’d never seen it so clean. For the sixteen months they had lived there, Elijah had never cleaned it, but now the floor was pristine, as were the walls and furniture. It left a knot in Billy’s stomach.
“Last box. Everything else goes into a carry-on bag for the plane,” Elijah said, pushing the box away. He remained in the floor, pulling tape off the roll and sticking it onto the floor. Billy got out of his chair and sat down beside him.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.” Elijah smiled at Billy, but Billy could see the moisture gathering in the corners of his eyes. He pulled Elijah into his arms.
“It’s okay.” Billy placed kisses on top of Elijah’s hair as Elijah buried his face in Billy’s shirt, arms wrapped around him tightly.
“I don’t want to go back to LA,” Elijah whispered.
“Don’t you want to see your Mom, Hannah, and Zach? Don’t you want to go home?”
Elijah pulled back and looked at Billy. “It’s not my home, Billy. This is my home. New Zealand, this apartment, Dom’s apartment, Orlando’s trailer, Sean’s car, your bed. LA isn’t my home anymore. I can’t imagine my life anywhere but here now.”
“What about your life before this movie?”
“It was decent. I did movies, hung out with my few friends, listened to music. But I don’t want to go back to that.” Elijah slumped his shoulders and Billy couldn’t find any words to say to him. So, he got up from the floor and wandered into Elijah’s bedroom. He grabbed the comforter and pillows and returned to the living room. Elijah gave him a strange look, but he tossed the pillows on the empty floor and laid the comforter out. He sat down on the floor and motioned for Elijah to join him. Elijah crawled across the floor, and Billy wrapped his arms around him, draping the comforter over their bodies.
“I don’t want to leave you,” Elijah whispered.
“Ssh,” Billy said into his hair. “Don’t think about that. Tonight, I’m here.” Elijah held on to Billy like he was his anchor, and Billy kissed his soft hair and said nothing. Billy wanted to stop time so he could always have that particular moment. Elijah warm against his skin, the New Zealand rain tapping softly on his window, everything perfect. He couldn’t let Elijah know that he was just as scared and lost. He had to be strong. If only for Elijah.
Billy didn’t sleep that night. After they made love twice, Elijah tried desperately to stay awake, but he fell asleep, hands clasped tightly around Billy. Billy watched Elijah sleep. He couldn’t bear to close his eyes, because he didn’t know the next time he’d be able to gaze at Elijah’s fluttering eyes and rising chest.
The rain came down constantly, background noise in an otherwise silent room. It comforted Billy as he trailed his fingers across Elijah’s forehead and cheeks, over his shoulders and down his side. He memorized the rhythm of his breathing, the scent of his hair, the shadows on his face. He tried desperately to ignore the thoughts pouring through his mind, but he knew what they had to do. Even if it would kill him.
Billy placed kisses over Elijah’s face when he saw him stirring.
“Are you still up?” Elijah asked, voice husky with sleep.
“Figure I can sleep on the plane back to Glasgow.”
Elijah raised up on his elbows. “What time is it? I can’t see and don’t know where my glasses are.”
“It’s only 6:30.”
“Why am I up?” Elijah laid his head on Billy’s chest, but Billy pushed him off.
“Because your flight leaves in a few hours, and you need to get ready. Sean will be here to take you both to the airport around 8.”
“Don’t remind me,” Elijah said into his pillow. Billy rolled onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. Elijah looked so fragile and perfect, face buried into his pillow, blanket draping around his bare hips. He looked like he’d break if Billy touched him, didn’t handle him with care. And Billy just wanted to protect him.
“I think we need to talk.”
Elijah peeked out from his pillow. “That doesn’t sound good.”
“I’m thinking that maybe we should put our relationship on hold for awhile.”
Elijah sat up quickly, panic written all over his face. “Are you breaking up with me?”
“No!” Billy said, sitting up and grabbing Elijah’s hands. He took a few deep breaths, trying to figure out the best way to say what he wanted to. “I am definitely not breaking up with you. I just think that right now, with you going to LA and me going to Glasgow, we should just put our relationship on hold temporarily. Since there is going to be so much other stuff, with the premieres and settling back into our old lives.”
“What if I don’t want to?” Elijah said, squaring his shoulders.
“I really think it’s for the best, Lij. I love you and will come see you the first moment I get. But right now I think this is the best thing.”
“I don’t like it, but okay. I trust you.”
Later, Billy watched Elijah get into Sean’s car and drive away until the car vanished around a corner. He wandered around town, hands stuffed into his pockets, eyes glued to the ground, and felt empty. He couldn’t imagine a morning without Elijah, a week without hearing his voice, a month without seeing his face. He cursed life, he cursed the movie, and he cursed fate for bringing them together. But most of all he cursed himself for hurting not only himself, but Elijah.
*
Billy rolled his suitcase along behind him. The airport was surprisingly not as busy as he expected, but he still was afraid he was going to miss Elijah somehow. He couldn’t distinguish one LA person from the next, and he was afraid even Elijah would blend into the crowd.
Outside the terminal, he leaned against a window so he could see anyone who came by. After a few moments, he dug his sunglasses out of his carryon bag. Sun should not have been shining that brightly through the windows.
“Billy!”
Billy looked up, confused. Dom came running across the terminal and jumped on him before pulling him into a bear hug and kissing him.
“I’m so glad to see you! Man, have I missed you.” Dom took Billy’s suitcase out of his hand and walked out of the terminal, Billy following.
“Where’s Elijah?” Billy asked. Elijah had said he’d be at the airport waiting on him, but instead he sent Dom. As grateful as Billy was to see Dom, he couldn’t help but feel a little stung.
“A meeting with his agent or something. I don’t know. I never see the boy, but it’s okay, because that means I get the house to myself most of the time.”
At the guesthouse, Billy walked around, studying everything on the shelves, the pictures hanging on the walls, the movies on the DVD rack. This was Elijah’s home. Not his apartment back in New Zealand, but where he actually existed, where his past met his present. And Billy felt awkward, an intruder on a life he had no right being part of.
Dom kept him occupied while Elijah was gone. They sat around the kitchen drinking beer while they caught each other up on their lives, even though had talked to each other two days ago. Then Dom showed him around the small house before taking him to Elijah’s mom’s house. It all felt so different, so foreign. So wrong.
By the time Elijah walked through the door that night, Billy had already convinced himself he was a stranger. So, when he saw Elijah, he didn’t jump up and fold him into his arms. Instead he sat on the couch and stared at him. Elijah even looked different, with a light tan and slightly burnt cheeks.
“Billy!” Elijah crossed the room and plopped himself in Billy’s lap. “I’ve missed you so much.” Elijah wrapped his arms around Billy’s neck and kissed him while Billy remained still. Elijah pulled back, confused. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s just been so long. I’m a little shocked is all.”
“Billy, it’s only been a couple of months. And I talked to you last night.” Elijah curled the hairs at the base of Billy’s neck around his fingers. Billy felt a chill run down his spine and he pressed his lips against Elijah’s. “That’s more like it,” Elijah mumbled against Billy’s mouth.
Billy didn’t leave Elijah’s side all night. He followed him into the kitchen, the shower, his Mom’s house, the balcony to smoke, and finally to bed. Billy tried to stay awake; he didn’t want to fall asleep, but he couldn’t keep his eyes open. When he woke up, he reached out beside him, needing to feel Elijah, but he wasn’t there.
Billy opened his eyes and looked around. It was still rather early, at least in Elijah’s frame of mind, but his spot in the bed was cold. He got out of bed, pulled on some flannel pants, and padded into the living room. Dom was sitting on the couch, playing video games.
“Where’s Elijah?” Billy asked, yawning.
“Meeting, photo shoot, interview. I can’t keep up. It should be on the refrigerator. He usually keeps his schedule there.”
Billy continued into the kitchen and spotted a sheet of paper with Elijah’s schedule jotted down in his hurried scratch. An interview at a place Billy didn’t recognize. He poked around the kitchen and found some cereal, then joined Dom on the couch. He didn’t change out of his pajamas all day.
Elijah came home later that afternoon only to change and go back out to dinner with some friends. But Billy wasn’t going to be left sitting on Elijah’s couch watching Dom play video games. He’d flown all the way from Scotland to be with Elijah, and he was going to be with him.
“Let me come with you.”
“No,” Elijah said, changing into nice trousers and a button up. “I’ll be back in a few hours. You have Dom here to keep you company.”
“I’ve been here for over twenty four hours, and I’ve seen you for maybe two. I want to come with you.”
“Fine. If you insist.”
After that, Billy followed Elijah everywhere he went. To interviews, dinners, the grocery store – wherever Elijah was, Billy was. It made Billy feel a part of Elijah’s life again, part of this foreign world Billy didn’t factor into. He was meeting Elijah’s friends, visiting spots he often frequented, and even getting himself a slight tan. And when Elijah crawled into bed at night and talked to Billy about various things, Billy could now identify names and places with physical things. And LA started to feel a little less foreign.
*
Billy woke up and reached for Elijah, but he wasn’t there. He rolled over and saw Elijah pulling on a pair of jeans.
“Where are you going?” he asked, still half asleep.
“Just out to pick up a few things and I need to drop by and see my agent. Go back to sleep. I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“No,” Billy said, throwing the covers off of him. “I want to go.”
“Billy, it’s okay. I can go by myself.”
“It’s really no problem, Lij. I’ll be ready – “
“I said I can go by myself!” Elijah yelled. Billy sat back, shocked. Elijah had never raised his voice to him as long as they’d been together. Billy was speechless. “You just stay here.”
“But I like going with you,” Billy said quietly. Elijah pulled a shirt out of a drawer and shoved it over his head.
“I know you like going with me, Billy. You’ve done everything with me since you got here. I haven’t had two seconds to myself.”
“I didn’t know I was being a bother.”
“It’s just, I have a life here. And I’m so glad you’re here, but I can’t just not do everything that I have to. And I’m tired of you going everywhere with me. You’re smothering me.”
“I see.” Billy got up and walked past Elijah into the living room. Dom was nowhere to be seen, and he couldn’t help but be glad. He didn’t want to see anyone.
“Billy,” Elijah said, following him. “Don’t take it the wrong way.”
“Oh no. I’m not.” Billy sat down and wasn’t sure how any of this had happened. When they’d grown separate lives, when Billy had become insecure, when Elijah had grown up, when Elijah had stopped needing him as much as he needed Elijah. He was suddenly a stranger again.
Elijah sat down beside him. “Billy, I’ve been thinking about this for the last few days. Us, I mean. And well, I think that the separation was the best thing when we left New Zealand. And that maybe we should maybe think about it on a more permanent basis.”
“Like break up?”
“I guess that’s what I’m getting at. Things are so hectic now for both of us, living in two different countries, doing projects other than Rings, trying to somehow get back into our old lives.” Elijah took Billy’s hand. “I love you, but it just isn’t working anymore.”
“Yeah, I think you’re right. We’re just too different now.” Billy smiled sadly at Elijah. Elijah leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, which broke his heart. It was over, really over. This beautiful, innocent child that he’d agonized over, protected, and fallen in love with was now breaking up with him. Letting him go, when he’d thought all along it’d be the other way around.
After Elijah left, Billy went to numbly packing. The first flight to Glasgow didn’t leave until late that night, so he decided he’d go and sit in the airport coffee shop, drowning his growing despair in endless cups of caffeine. He would rather be anywhere but inside those foreign, bleak walls. He’d thought they could do it, could stay together regardless of age, because it didn’t matter. And in the end, it didn’t.
*
Billy sat in the airport Starbucks, nursing his fifth or sixth cup of coffee. He couldn’t really remember what number he was on and didn’t care. It didn’t matter. He didn’t even look up when someone pulled out one of the chairs from his table. They could have it – he would be sitting alone.
“Billy, you are the easiest person to find,” Dom said, sitting down. Sean sat down in the empty chair beside him.
“What are you two doing here?” Billy asked half-heartedly.
“You can’t leave and not say goodbye to me,” Dom said. Billy stared back down at his cup. “Seriously, you can’t leave like this.”
“No reason to stay.”
“Elijah’s a reason to stay,” Sean said. Billy lifted the cup to his lips, but Sean took it out of his hands. Billy didn’t know what to do with his hands without the cup they were holding. They shook slightly and he started fidgeting. He suddenly couldn’t keep still.
“Elijah made it very clear how he felt. And now I’m going back to my life and away from his. Give him his room, since he was smothered.” Billy picked up a spoon lying on the table and started erratically tapping it on the table.
“He didn’t mean it, Billy. He’s just as freaked as you are.” Dom reached across the table and stilled Billy’s hand. “He loves you and doesn’t want you to go.”
“You guys are wasting your time,” Billy said quickly. He suddenly needed to get out of the coffee shop, away from Dom and Sean. He felt like he was being smothered.
Billy stood up and walked out of the shop, dragging his suitcase behind him. Sean and Dom followed.
“Billy, stop it!” Dom said firmly, but Billy just kept walking. He had to keep walking, keep drinking coffee, keep staring – anything to keep the voices out of his head. And Dom and Sean were almost as distracting as the voices.
Dom grabbed Billy’s arm and stopped him. “Just stop, okay? You’re a bloody fool if you leave him right now. And if you do, you deserve to lose him.”
“What do you know?” Billy yelled. A few people walking by glanced at him, but he didn’t care. “What do you know about reuniting with someone just to feel a stranger when you should feel home?” Billy looked between the two men. “Now, just let me go.”
“We’ll never forgive ourselves if you leave him,” Sean finally said.
“Leave him? He’s the one who left me,” Billy said, slumping against the wall.
“Billy, Elijah’s terrified. He wasn’t used to being without you, then he regained part of his old life, and then you came back, shaking what thin security he had. If you want him, you have to make him understand that everything’ll be okay.” Sean placed a hand on Billy’s shoulder. “Don’t get on that plane. Be there when he gets back. That may be all it takes.”
Billy left his suitcase lying beside Dom and walked to the bathroom. He ran cold water into the dirty sink and splashed it on his face. When he looked in the mirror, he saw worry and stress lines all over his face, a few more wrinkles around the eyes and the corners of his mouth. He was lost. The last thing he wanted to do was lose Elijah. Elijah meant everything to him, and losing him was like losing a huge part of his past, of his life, of himself. He’d never wanted to lose him, and somewhere along the way convinced himself that they’d always be together. And now they weren’t. And Billy didn’t know where to go from there.
He finally rejoined Dom and Sean, waiting anxiously where Billy left them. They looked at him expectantly, and he sighed.
“Let’s get back to the house.”
*
Billy was sitting on the couch alone when Elijah walked through the door. He looked ragged and tired.
“I didn’t expect you to be here,” Elijah said, throwing his keys on the coffee table.
“I didn’t either. I was supposed to be on a flight to Glasgow in two hours.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because Sean said all it would take is me being here when you got back,” Billy said honestly. And he couldn’t really figure out about another reason for why he was there.
“Sean is an idealistic dreamer.”
“Elijah, this is stupid. It shouldn’t end this way.”
“Well, how should it end, Billy?” Elijah ran a hand wearily through his messy hair. “Five or six years down the road when we don’t know each other anymore and we’ve become bitter and cynical? I don’t think that’s the way I want to end up.”
“Why does it have to end up that way? Why can’t it end happy?”
“Because. I don’t know. Because things are different, we’re different. This isn’t New Zealand. We never thought past that into what and where we would be when it was over. How are we ever supposed to find that again?”
“Oh, Elijah,” Billy said, standing up and pulling Elijah into his arms. “It’s part of being in love, growing up, living. Things change, sometimes for the worse, but sometimes for the better.” Billy placed a kiss on Elijah’s forehead. “Just think, soon we won’t have to worry about the movie affecting our relationship, and we no longer have to worry about your age anymore. It can just be Elijah and Billy.”
“How can it work with you in Scotland and me here?”
“Because we want it to.” Billy lifted Elijah’s chin and studied him carefully. “Don’t give up on me so easily, Elijah.” Billy leaned forward and kissed Elijah softly. Elijah wrapped his arms around Billy tightly, deepening the kiss. Billy didn’t know what was going to happen, if they’d make it another month or seven years. But Billy stopped questioning the way things went the moment that Elijah walked into his life.
~Fin
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it was so different from the stories i usually read, and i dont mean because it was billy/elijah. just how they acted, how billy wasnt jealous that elijah danced and kissed other people, how it was elijah who ended things and who became so mature and billy who just seemed to finally understand everything. including life.
well that was my taking on it, anyway.
would you mind if i archived this to my site? more people need to read this, its just.. so awesome. just. wow. <3 :D
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i don't have a problem as long as you link it to my lj (not fellowshippers or billijah) or my website.
<3
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thanks so much <3 <3
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and thank you so much <333